then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
