turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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