The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
