i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
