Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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