i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
