I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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