There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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