i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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