If i come over, it means nothing
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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