And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
