Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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