fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
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The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
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Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"