saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?