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Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
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