i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral