Swine flu. Run for my life!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
