I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
