: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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