you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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