About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
