The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
