Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
