I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Randomize
