sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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