:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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