Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
