After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
