I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
