Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
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A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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