I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
