so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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