fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
