theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
