well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
