You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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