living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.