I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
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Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
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I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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