its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
