So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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