all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
