Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
