It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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