Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
