You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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