It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
