Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
