I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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