you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
