Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
