I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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