I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
A bitchslap is in order.
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