I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
