someone threw a dead crab at me
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize