going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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