we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
