I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
True but thats because hes a fetus.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
