I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
