just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I could make wine with my vomit
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
