everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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