DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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