In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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